Monday, October 02, 2006

Borowitz Report: Bin Laden Celebrates Whitney Houston’s Divorce By Cancelling JihadVows to ‘Pick Up the Pieces’ With Platinum-Selling Diva

Osama bin Laden, whose alleged crush on singer Whitney Houston has fueled media speculation in recent weeks, reacted to the news of Ms. Houston’s split from her husband Bobby Brown by calling off his worldwide jihad.

Just hours after news outlets reported that Ms. Houston had filed for divorce from the headline-grabbing Mr. Brown, the al-Qaeda terror mastermind appeared on the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera network to profess his love for her and to cancel his struggle against the infidels.

Addressing Ms. Houston directly, the world’s most wanted man said that he was giving up his battle with the West “to pick up the pieces” after her split with Bobby Brown.

Saying that he would not rest until the singer was known as “Whitney bin Laden,” the al-Qaeda madman painted a picture of domestic life together in his cave in the mountainous region between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

“I want to have a family with you, Whitney,” he said on the chilling videotape. “I believe that children are our future.”

In Washington, President Bush responded to Mr. Bin Laden’s video, using a nationally televised address to call Whitney Houston the new front in the war on terror.

“If we allow the terrorists to win Whitney Houston, that will be sending them a very dangerous message,” Mr. Bush said. “And then it will only be a matter of time before they try to marry Mariah Carey.”

Elsewhere, British Prime Minister Tony Blair said he was looking forward to leaving office so he could spend more “alone time” with President Bush.

www.borowitzreport.com, Sep 19, 2006

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