10 things to do before you're 40
1. Put Ian Paisley's mobile number into Paris Hilton's phone
2. Tell someone the way to Amarillo in such a way that they end up in Taunton
3. Clean out the little raft of matted hair from inside of the bathplug overflow hole
4. Lead torchlit party to hunt down Jonathan Ross like a dog
5. Barge drunkenly into a kids' football match, pile through the lot and score, boot the ball onto a nearby railway/through a cold frame and run off laughing
6. Reprogramme James Blunt to accompany every song on the spoons
7. Call occupants of interplanetary craft, tell them the Carpenters are no more
8. Actually enjoy sex
9. Covet thy neighbour's hydrangeas
10. Loosen the tops of the salt-shakers in the News International canteen
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